January 23, 2011
The Nordic Warrior Queen and I have been getting these little holes in our shirts, centered in the front, right around the belly button area. The problem has decimated our t-shirt collection, and naturally, has been driving my wife crazy.
So she asked me to Google it, to see if the rest of the world is suffering from this strange phenomenon.
As it turns out, they are.
Among the causes cited were moth larvae, carpet beetles, and those nasty little suckers called silverfish. Of course, it seems strange to me that bugs would be such selective eaters that they would dine only on this small area of your t-shirt.
If I were a bug, I’d go for a juicy area like the armpit, or maybe the ring around the collar.
Several sites mentioned poor washing techniques – too much detergent, improper application of bleach, not separating the loads adequately, or overloading of the equipment. I suggested this to my wife, and she in turn suggested to me that, if I don’t like the way she’s doing the laundry, I can fucking well go do it myself.
So that can’t be the reason.
One webpage said the holes are caused by little imperfections along the edge of granite countertops. Sounds plausible, but after careful inspection, our countertops seem pretty smooth.
And besides, with as much as my wife cooks, that doesn’t explain the holes in her shirts (because she’s so busy doing laundry, of course).
Seatbelts are another possibility. Since they are in contact with that area of the shirt, and are made of fairly coarse material, this might be the cause. But neither one of us drive very much, especially lately, so I doubt this is it.
I have a better theory, and it goes like this:
Some of us on Planet Earth are hosts to a miniature species of extraterrestrial life. These ETs make their homes in our belly buttons, feeding on belly button lint and sweat.
They venture up to two inches from their warm, moist homes in our bellies in order to harvest cotton from our t-shirts, which they use to fabricate small glider spaceships.
When the spacecraft is complete, the extraterrestrials celebrate by procreating, and then load their young into the ships and launch them while their hosts are either sleeping, or in a state of severe inebriation.
I’ve actually witnessed several belly button spaceship launches recently.
These miniature spacecraft can travel great distances (relative to their occupants, anyway), eventually finding and landing on other human hosts, thus ensuring the continuance of the species.
It’s the only plausible explanation.